Recently, a lady on our doctor dating platform asked us for help. She married a doctor who was over 10 years older than herself, but after finding out what she wanted after marriage, she was looking for something completely different. She doesn't know what to do.
"When we got married, I was madly in love with my husband—and I still am. One of my best friends married a doctor with the help of online medical dating websites, so she suggested me to try it. After all, I have been single for a long time. Fortunately, I met my husband - Ethan. But we have a significant age difference - he is 45 years old, I am 29years old - and I think I did not realize that we The goal is different at this point. Suddenly, after the wedding, his whole body and mind are placed on the child and I still want to go shopping with friends, traveling and working."
How to get on the same page?
Reasonable research shows that the greater the age gap, the greater the chance of a couple splitting. According to a study by Emory University, couples with a five-year gap are 18% more likely to be separated than their peers. The probability of this statistic increased by 39%, the gap was 10 years, and the 95% gap was 20 years.
This really has nothing to do with love. (Some studies have even shown that couples with the highest age gap have the highest satisfaction compared to their peers of similar age.) As you said, the biggest obstacle to success is the “gap of desire.” People tend to get through the storm in life. The development phase, and it is difficult to "sympathize" with those who are dealing with the struggle and hope that you are not.
Let's talk about how to make him and you in the same parallel world:
Remind him what life is like at his age.
Let him remember what he is doing.
When he was 29, was he struggling with the job as you are now, wanting to resign, whether he wants to travel, and gathering with friends every week? Therefore, you need to let him know what you need now to have no regrets in the future, especially if you will eventually have children.
Although he may not want to join you all the time, he is invited to join us on this stage - whether it is to travel to Singapore or to network activities in your industry. He has a lot of opportunities to enjoy and learn, even if he has been there.
Set a schedule and draw your future.
I am going to assume that you discussed this issue before you got married, and both of you want to settle down with the children one day. But it sounds like it's time to quickly check out your long-term plans and when you want to see them happen. If your husband wants a child today and you want to spend another five years, then you need to discuss what can help you decide a plan that will eventually be acceptable to you.
Are you worried that most of the child care services will fall on you, which will get you back to other goals such as career and travel? Maybe he can promise to shorten his working hours so that you don't have to shorten your working hours? Is he worried that his age will affect fertility? Go with him to see a doctor and ask him about his choice. Somewhere in these discussions, there is a proper compromise.
Work hard to get out of your comfort zone.
Although this is not fair, I think it is more challenging to lag rather than move forward. In other words, it may be harder for your husband to reconsider the stage of development that he believes he or she is leaving, rather than letting you enter the stage at which he is currently.
So what does this mean? Stick to what you need (work! Entertainment!), and also have time-responsible, growth-oriented fun that pushes you beyond the comfort zone. Join an intimate dinner with his friends, even if they want to talk about preschool education applications all the time.
In short, whether it is for you or your husband, the unification of the ideas caused by the age gap is an inevitable problem. After all, he has already walked the path you are walking. Everyone is looking for something at different ages. Different. You can't force your partner to move forward at your pace, but instead, have the husband and wife have a common goal to achieve it.